In times like these

For many people, coming of age in the late 1960s and early 1970s meant having to pass through the crucible of radical change, disruptive violence and the bare-knuckled polarization of ideas.

In fact, within one 18-month period during those turbulent times, there was, on average domestic bombing somewhere in America every day and for a year and a half.

Month after month, year after year, bombs detonated, massive crowds confronted established authority, riots and fires raged, leaders and public figures were assassinated, and families were torn apart as bloody lines were carved in the social sands of America.

Eventually, things deteriorated to the point that many Americans – regardless of their political stripe – began to consider the possibility of a total breakdown of civil order as the American way of life appeared to be thrashing to a violent, flaming halt. To many it was the worst of times, frightening and uncertain, a swirling vortex pulling everyone into a chasm of anger, fear, and violence.

One of the most powerful factors contributing to the bitter hopelessness and danger of social breakdown was an unwillingness to listen and work together toward solutions, – any solution.

In such a climate of polarized chaos what, if anything, could one do to move forward toward the restoration of relationships and to establishing some semblance of civility? How does one go about dealing with situations fed by anger, fear, loss of hope and an unwillingness to constructively engage in dialogue for problem solving?

The wisest among us offer several basic courses of action with the first being to take no action at all, in other words “don’t react.”

Since it takes two to tangle, one party can remain focused on an ultimate goal that best serves the good of all instead of striking back defensively in anger and fear. This is not to imply one should submit to a literal attack and be tread upon.

What it does mean is the party with the cooler head has the greatest potential to win with “win” being defined as moving toward a mutually beneficial solution or, at least, a de-escalation of the present conflict.

Another simple tool to be used early on is to help our adversary regain their composure or emotional balance instead of adding fuel to their fire by our knee jerk reactions. It’s as if our opponent wants to play tennis with a hand grenade and expects us to hit it back across the net.

By not hitting it back, it becomes possible to accomplish two things: give them time to cool down so they can think rationally, and create cognitive dissonance which is best illustrated by the image of a confused dog, which upon hearing his master’s voice on a recording, stops barking and tilts his head in confusion. In situations of polarized conflict, our primary job is twofold – keeping our composure (not striking back) while assisting our adversary in regaining theirs.

Foundational to keeping our cool is having done in advance the hard work of self-examination and knowing full well our personal hot buttons so when used against us they lose their sting and don’t get us off our game. Smart attorneys learn early on the effective trick of causing an adversary to emotionally flair and get mad. Got’cha.

Another tool is buying time to think. An example from every day business life is when we take a phone call from a heated client but respond with, “Hold on, let me get a pen and make sure I get everything down because this is important” or “Let me get to my desk,” or “This is important, let me get off the other line.”

Without keeping them on hold and escalating their rage we can buy a few seconds to compose ourselves, review our techniques, and step back into the fray with a cooler head and the confidence that we’re in the driver’s seat steering the engagement bus toward a solution rather than a destructive firefight.

Recognized as the most important thinker in the art of war, Sun Tzu wrote these gems, “the greatest general is the one who wins without having to go to war,” and, my favorite, “Build your enemies a golden bridge across which they can retreat.”

In times like these we need cool-headed peace keepers to balance our primal reaction to thoughtlessly man the barricades.

Write ‘doc” at businessjournal@theexaminer.com.